Married, But…Still Interested?

Yep. Absolutely. I sure am!

I think a lot of people have the idea that once someone gets married, that person stops being concerned with singles’ affairs…and from what I’ve seen that seems to be the case. The exception? ME!!!!! (lol I’m sure I’m not the only one). I don’t think my friends would say that since I’ve gotten married I’ve changed or they don’t see or hear from me anymore. If you are one of my friends reading this and you disagree with this statement, this is the perfect time to call or text me so we can reconcile the situation (and I apologize in advance).

Some things have changed, but I don’t use being married as an excuse to be a crappy friend. Married or not, we’re ALL busy. My husband is my obvious priority (and he knows that), but my friends know that I still value their friendship and although we are in different seasons (that naturally brings some change) we can still maintain a relationship. Besides, your husband DOES NOT replace your girlfriends. He fulfills a different role. Don’t get mad when he’s not like, “What? For real? She did what? Girl, please!” when you vent about that co-worker at work that gets on your nerves. “Girl time” is still needed, even (and especially) for the married woman.

When I got married I didn’t experience this huge sigh of relief because FINALLY I had transitioned out of the singles’ club. Yes, I was excited because for a long time I didn’t think I would get married. But at the same time, I was more consumed by the weight of the call and the responsibility of being a wife. What I thought a lot about was how (and if) my relationship with my unmarried friends would change. These thoughts actually started when I got engaged. What I was really thinking was, “Ok, now I’m married so all my other friends have to get married soon too!” lol

So, yes I am married but I am VERY MUCH interested in singles because I am a self-proclaimed matchmaker (and because I feel like singles are a forgotten population). Anyone who knows me personally knows I have what I call a “database” of people that I’m trying to match with someone else. Some of the people in my database are local (in the US) and some of them are overseas. I literally have pictures of my friends with their preferences listed underneath the picture for easy access.

In addition to online dating, I believe a personal reference/recommendation is one of the best ways to date nowadays. This is especially true for people like me who mainly go to work, church, and home. How can we date new people if we don’t have access to them (and they don’t have access to us)? Not to mention, matchmaking is part of the bigger story of how my husband and I met.

I take these duties very seriously. I have been known to randomly contact people via text message, Snapchat, Facebook, etc and ask about their status. Last year (ish) I was at a housewarming party with my then-boyfriend-now-husband when I launched my career. I was surrounded by handsome, educated, family oriented, SINGLE, African men. I was NOT going to let that opportunity pass me by without connecting them with my friends (my husband was in agreement with this).

As I surveyed the room, I finally decided that one of the men in the room would be a good match for one of my friends. He had locs hanging from his head and was dressed in a dashiki shirt. He talked with some children who were running around the house, but for the most part he kept a low profile. I found out that he was a cousin of one of our friends! Even better!

I asked his cousin (our friend) to introduce him to my boyfriend and I. I immediately started asking him questions about where he lived, what he did, and his faith. My mindset was, “There’s no point in wasting time with small talk. He can do that with my girlfriends”. My boyfriend and our friend were floored by how forward I was (because this is not typical in the Cameroonian culture), but the guy (let’s call him Al) was thoroughly amused to say the least. I talked to him about my friends and showed him some pictures of them. He played along and asked me to take a picture of him to send to my friends. You can imagine his surprise when I said, “Oh, it’s ok I already have one!”

Quick tip: The best way to get pictures of someone without them knowing is to pretend to take a selfie without having the front facing camera on. Ninja moves, I know lol.

I connected him with a friend and they engaged in a few conversations before deciding not to take it further. I make it clear to my friends and matchmaking “clients” that they are under no obligation to keep me posted on the status of the relationship. I also want them to know they shouldn’t feel like they have to make it work as a favor to me. They are grown adults and don’t need a babysitter. Everyone that I have ever paired, or attempted to pair, with someone has always been grateful to me for looking out for them regardless of the outcome of the relationship.

I was “in waiting” before I got married. I never thought I would still be “in waiting” even after getting married. Nevertheless, I am happy to be standing in faith and believing with my friends for the day WHEN they get to say “I do” with the one their heart loves. And if I can be a small part of that story, that’s ok too!

Single people: DO NOT LET ANYONE SHAME YOU FOR WANTING TO BE MARRIED! I want my Christian singles to really catch that! Your desire to be married (a desire probably given from God who designed marriage) does not make you less of a Christian or take away from your love for God. Don’t make the desire an obsession or an idol. Enjoy the season (Bucket List Before Marriage, anyone?) and take this time to prepare for what IS coming! #singlesadvocate #matchmaker